Caring Circles: Unlocking the power of social connection with challenging students

The idea of caring circles is to tap into the compassion and understanding of other kids to assist a young person who has lost all social connections and is in a downward spiral of shame and dysregulation.  Caring circles can also be used when new students start at your school, who will need help to establish their social footing. For students who’ve had difficulty with social connections in their previous school, this is essential.

Shameful about having no friends or connections …. Acting violently because of their shame… being socially excluded by peers and school for their violent behaviour…. shameful about having no friends or connections… Acting violently because of their shame… (and down they go)

Research by (Baumeister, Nathanson et. al.) confirms that we see the worst behaviour from young people who feel that they have lost all social connections in a school and think that they are unlikable. The loss of social connection triggers toxic levels of personal shame that destroy a young person’s ability to take responsibility for bad choices in restorative interventions. The shame also causes them to lose the ability to self-regulate and use their executive functions in high-stress situations. These young people lack the social connections that promote the release of oxytocin in their brains and help their overactive amygdalae settle down.

As restorative interventions break down because the young person takes no responsibility for behaviours, it’s understandable that the school resorts to exclusively exclusionary practices (to limit the young person’s opportunity to cause harm to others). Sadly, although necessary to keep people safe, this approach further fuels a young person's feelings of being unlikable, alienated and disconnected. More shame is the result, and more ‘attack other’ (See Compass of Shame) behaviours result as the student continues to ‘break’ but never takes the opportunity to ‘fix’.

A way back for these young people can be a team of supporters (a caring circle), of peers, who offer to help the young person out by meeting with them and a staff member weekly (sometimes more often) to talk about what’s going on at school, and to problem-solve with them. Essentially, it’s a show of support from students. A show of kindness from peers has a greater calming effect on highly agitated and shame-phobic kids than intervention by an adult (or group of adults).

Caring Circles work best when it’s a group, say five to seven kids who belong to different social groupings and will be likely to be spread around the school, so one or two of them will be in the young person’s general area at any given time, especially during break times.

During check-in meetings, these students meet with the target student and a staff member for approximately 15 minutes a week during recess to chat and problem-solve. Just talking is enough; problems don’t have to be raised.

Forming the Circle

Circle formation – stage 1

Hand-pick a group of students from across the unit – say 15, and call them to a special meeting. Make sure they know they've been especially selected because they they are kind and supportive. These students don't need to be perfect kids either! Caring circles need a few students who know what it's like to have tough moments at school. Although they may not always manage themselves well in tricky moments, in a calm and reflective space, they can give prize winning advice to others.

Circle the students up and use this script – or something like it:

Thanks, everyone, for being here. We’ve asked you to join us because you are all caring people, and we would like to ask you for your help with …..

Before we proceed, I need to ask you what could go wrong if people here left this circle and discussed what is discussed here. Whose feelings could be hurt?

Students can either respond to hands up, or do a go-around with a talking piece.

Yes – you’re all correct. Confidentiality is important here. Please put your hand up if you agree to keep confidential what we discuss. If you are unable to do this, you are free to leave. You can go; nobody will be mad at you. We will appreciate that you have been honest with us.

Wait a few moments – allow people to leave the circle, thank them for their attendance as they go

The people who have stayed agree that what is said in this circle stays in this circle.

·       Who thinks caring for others is important at our school?

·       Who knows (student).

·       Who here has ever played with (student)?

·       Has anyone here seen (student) being kind and friendly?

The talking piece is about to go around the circle. When you have it, tell us something good about (student). You can pass if you need to.

Repeat go around if necessary – lots of passes are normal until the circle warms up

This time, when you have the talking piece, tell us something that worries you about (student). You can pass if you need to.

Repeat go-around if necessary

Thanks, everyone, for sharing. So, we agree, (student)is a nice person, but we are worried about some of their tricky behaviours.

This time, when you have the talking piece, share what you might think is a reason (student) does these things that causes them and others trouble?

Responses here are often insightful. Remember that this is a brainstorm – there are no incorrect answers. Correcting a response will cause others to go quiet.  If you disagree, say “okay, thanks”. If you do agree, you might paraphrase the student by saying, “So if I’ve heard you right, you are saying…” Then say to the circle “, Hands up who agrees with that?”

Repeat go-around if necessary.

Thanks, everyone, you have shown great thinking and understanding of what it might be like to be (student’s name).

Here, you might give a brief explanation about how when people act angrily, they are using the reactive part of their brain, which can’t listen, plan well, and only knows how to fight, freeze, or run away. When people show kindness to others, using the reacting part of the brain, it can sometimes switch them back to their thinking brain.

Talk about how when you are being yelled at, your thinking brain switches off and all you can do is freeze, want to shout back, run away or cry. You can’t even think; you know you're in big trouble and wonder if everyone hates you.

This time, when the talking piece comes to you, I’m interested in what ideas you have about how we could help (student) when they are in the middle of a tricky situation, and using the reacting part of their brain to deal with a problem

Paraphrase and record ideas.  What you are listening for are the ideas you already have in mind. You may also hear other good ideas that are worthy of use.

Once this is completed, summarise the list of ideas back to the circle.

Thanks, everybody – those are great ideas.

I’m looking for a small team of people to form a caring circle for (the student). These people will meet with (name) and me once a week, in recess time, to chat about how their week is going and perhaps offer ideas to deal with tricky stuff.

These people will also help the student plan how they can help them when they are about to make a bad decision and keep them and others safe.

Yes, recess time will be once a week, so please consider this carefully. Nobody will believe you are unkind if you can’t commit to this; we will just be grateful you were here to help today.

Collect names – thank everyone for offering.

Okay – I have collected the names. Thank you so much. I will now think about how we can make this work and get back to you

Who can remind us of what we have agreed to about protecting (student) feelings and confidentiality?

Running Caring Circles

The young person is informed that a group of students is interested in meeting with them once a week to chat about how they are doing and try to help with what they are finding hard at school.

This is best explained to them in a casual manner, and the young person is asked to return and let you know if they are interested. Remember, young people with power-seeking behaviour will see this as a form of manipulation and will likely refuse the idea at first. Be patient, perhaps encourage the students who agreed to be part of the circle to approach the young person informally and mention it to them as well.

If the young person, after some gentle persuasion, expresses interest in a trial period, the weekly meetings can begin. Sometimes, the whole group might attend the meeting, and at other times, only one or two students may show up. It doesn’t matter. The staff member running the circles may provide a nice treat at the meetings. Usually, kids bring their recess with them and enjoy the conversation.

These meetings don’t have to be perfect, nor do they have to take long. The simple gesture of a group of kids, showing enough interest in them to show up, starts to make a difference in how they see themselves. This tends to have a flow-on effect on their social conduct over time. The blow ups can be less severe in the beginning and with persistence, big gains in social regulation can come.

At the end of the school term, the volunteer group may be rolled over, or membership may be adjusted slightly. Sometimes students request to join the caring circle, sometimes they drop out. All of this needs to happen without recrimination or fuss. I used to like to thank the group for taking such good care of one another by treating them to doughnuts or Fast food!

The circle may be concluded after some time, or it may run as an ongoing support for the young person involved. Schools don’t usually apply for funding, a member of leadership who has a good relationship with the young person volunteers a recess time a week to run the circle.

Caring circles ask young people to make an effort to help others and are an important feature of a restorative school culture.